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September 19 Been so longIt's been so long since i wrote here.. been really busy with life, graduation, boyfriend (or should i say ex-bf), and most important of all WORK!!!
Finally i graduated got a job... it's been only 3 months with this job and i'm already thinking i want go back and study... Work have been tough especially when u have 2 boss... BIG boss and SMALL boss... Both have different ideas but the 1 that i feel like killing is the BIG FAT BOSS... If the government were to give us a day to kill somebody and do not have to face the music of law I will definitely kill him... Well at least i get paid every month... That is wat keeps me going every month... Well till next time... or should i say the next blue moon?? May 28 Bloody Low LIFE!!! HELL!!! my car was scratched by some idiotic low life... it was ok if he just scratch it but he added some graffiti of his to my car...such an uncivilized move.. and might i add it is not a good graffiti at all.. it says "FUCK OFF"... i'm so pissed off right now.. i just don't know wat to do... if i get the chance to know who did it i will scratch his car till it is unrecognizeable!!! Fucking idiot.. i'm going to curse him every night b4 i sleep and everytime i remember about this incident... praying that wit me cursing he won't have a good night sleep at all and has bad luck all the time... hehe... alright... feeling a little better now... just still not in a happy mood.... April 12 why? will it be over soon?it's been so long since i wrote anything in this space... life have been hectic for me... lots of things happened since i stop writing here... i lost me hp...
 which is really really crappy... lots of others la... don't really wanna talk about it... anyways.. i'm feeling really really frustrated now... i was not thinking straight.. i don't know wat i'm doing now is correct or not.. but tis is a secret i willl have to bring to the grave... don't worry i'm not talking bout drugs or anything that u might be thinking.. but.. hell no one will noe about tis... hehe... hm... i guess that is y i'm writing in this space.. i'm just looking for a way to express it out.. without any strings attached to it... no one to ask for advice anymore..  hm..hoping and praying that i've made the correct decision.. kneeling and praying that this will not turn back and hurt me in anyways... well i've said enough... till another dark moon befalls me... tata... February 11 Dark...don't know why but i'm feeling really really really dark these days... mayb it is hormones but what the crap... just came back "home" so 1st thing i did was to quickly add something in this place... it's been empty so long like me... well at least now it is fresh wit a new blog but i'm still as empty as a black hole...
nothing to crap about.. so bye...  December 28 huh... skool going to start...oh my gosh... skool going to start aledi... now the lazy feeling is going to come creeping up on me again... after a few anxious days at skool the feeling of laziness is going to really cover up all the emotions in my life... hehe... that's life is it not??
after more than a week of vanishing.. hehe.. i'm back.. went to china.. quite happy that i got to shop there... but still it is quite expensive also... u noe how ppl just let their guards down because they think that they can bargain... bought back quite a lot of things and now the suffering is going to begin.. hehe.. December 13 Want to know what i hate the most in the whole wide world??woke up this morning feeling soo pissed off.. didn't know why.. don't think that anything that happens today will make my day at all!!!
 since the moment i woke up till now i've been thinking of "snakes"
 ... mind u that the "snakes" that i'm talking about it not about the reptile... it is where human backstabs each other... well that is wat we call these backstabber here in malaysia... i really hate these things... i know nobody is perfect and there are mistakes here and there... but there are people who enjoy doing this... is this a way to stop them from feeling insecure or wat?? i think the only problem here is their insecurity about stuff... i'm not sure... i don't know... taking a person as a friends is really scary... we do not know when they may become a snake that could hurt wit its toxic for the rest of your life... people say forgive or forget or even both... but just imagine whole palm is covered wit splinters... that ranges from big to tiny... we can pull as much as the splinters out to stop the pain but there are bound to be one or two splinters there... or even worse the scars that happens after it has healed... you will always look at your hand from time to time and remember the events that has happened... for me it will continue to break my heart everytime i remember it... sorry i just can't do it... i can't help to feel this way... i may have forgotten but the scars will continue to slap me in the face wit FACTS every now and then... i can't help to think that everybody in this world are "snakes" one way or another... like snake they range from non-toxic to toxic... people are like that... it depends on whether they want to do it or not... of course this theory would include me too...
for me now... after all the things that i've been throught have thought me one thing... that is to be an actress... I HAVE TOO MANY CHARACTERS NOW... that i don't even know who is my real self... maybe it is because the small percent of faith that i thought i have is now gone... together with my trust in anyone... now in my mind at this very moment is blank.. i hate that i'm an actress in this world but what can i do... nobody that i know have really been able to help me find myself again... my ways are that now i'm a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student and etc. all the normal things that we all go through... but there is no PHILEIN... i'm now in a maze that always bring me to a dead end... a maze that have no opening... one day.. i hope i'll have a strength to breakthrough wall the keeps me in from me...
bored...oh my gosh, can you believe how many times my laptop has been in the "hospital"?? (p.s.: "hospital" means the service center yeah... don't get confused
well just got back my laptop again after a few days... huh... during that time it was horrible... i can't do anything at all... i can't play games... nothing to keep in 'awake'... hehe... well i ended up doing word search puzzle... better than nothing right??
actually i've got nothing to talk about here.. just blabbering about stuff... nothing much... hehe... wanna see me blog expand... haha...
 oh ya... hm... to update to people about my mood now.. still the same as the last blog... but don't really wanna care about it now... well... wish me luck... playing cool...  that's all... tata for now... December 06 What is going on in the world??hm.. it's been so long since i wrote anything in here... hm... can't help it... been in the low lately... still feeling that way now... can't help myself from feeling this way... it's been going on for weeks... huh...
 huh... anyways... last week read something really really disturbing in the newspaper... about a mms message... you know.. the nude woman doing squats in front of a police woman...
WHAT THE HELL DID SHE DO TO GET THIS HUMILIATION???
it against human rights... against everything that we've learnt all this years...
you know... like the phrase "the police are your friends" things... i think it is all crap... well at least i think the truth came out... BETTER LATE THAN NEVER... i'm really sorry to diss the police force like this.. but the trust that we have came to build all the years since we've came to this world have been diminished to nothing but a pile of rubble...
another STUPID thing is the way that "they" are handling the situation... for goodness sake.. they are looking for the person who captured the GREAT video rather than paying attention to the more serious matter... like who was the policewoman that pratically stood there unashamed of the whole situation?? what really did happened?? and of course clearing the whole problem up... why pay so much attention on a small piece of the puzzle when there are bigger things to be done??
this is one news that could jeapordize the whole tourism trade... as we know china have a BIG i mean HUGE potential for us to have a connection with... like the tourism trade and business...
just imagine if one of our country's people were to be treated like this... do you think we the people would be happy about it?? don't you think we would think of doing something to show our anger to the connected nation?? like by not buying the thing or planning a visit to the nation??
i'm not saying everyone would do this... but there is a possibility... why risk nation relations by doing all this??
i really HATE people who stereotypes people... everyone... even in a group have their own thinking... it maybe they have a same thinking about something... maybe just one thing and that is not good enough to stereotype them... November 17 Good luck to you...i'm sure if you flick in your newspaper there is sure to be a news regarding a marriage which cost rm 1 mil...(that is how it caught my eye) well that could be the headline but that is not what the fuss is all about... it is about a transsexual who got married...
 1st of all I wish all the best... and DON'T care what the people who don't agree in it... Be proud of yourself...As i read the news these 2 days... i've felt a sting in my heart
... it is really a sad event that even after the approval of their parent there are still people who kept on critisizing them... who are they to say that?? they don't have the right... mayb that their marriage is not approved in the eyes of our law but they did not harm anyone in THIS event!!! can't everybody just give them a break... Can't anyone try to understand their feelings?? i'm not saying those who disagree MUST agree what they did but what the hell can't they just accept it!!! just imagine on your wedding day thousands of people come and the next day there are news that critisize that wedding... they are human too... can't people just accept them??
it is their wrong that they fell in love?? haven't anyone who's reading this felt this way before?? is it she wrong that she felt trapped in man's body?? it is not her fault... who can say it is her fault... she was born this way...
just like you are born with black hair... and no matter how you dye the hair it will still come out black...
just like no matter how you ask her to be stay a man... her heart will still stay feminine...
and yes i stated her as a she because i respect her and i accept her!!!
JUST GIVE THEM A BREAK!!! GIVE THEM ALL OUR RESPECT!!! November 15 feelings??ok... it's been quite long since i wrote in here... well i've got nothing to write... hehe... yesterday i was reading a book entitled "The Biography of Anne Frank : Roses From the Earth" it is really touching... for those who don't know Anne Frank... type in her name in any search medium and at more than a million results in your search... (well i used yahoo to try)... well i'm going to write a brief detail about her... but it is not very detail as i've not finished my book... i'm going to tell you what i know about her...
she is a Jew in the time of Hitler... you know nazi time... where jews are thought to be the worst human of all... well you be the judge of who is the real evil here... during that time... all the jews were isolated from the society through strict rules... and when i mean strict it is really really strict... there were rules where jews are not allowed in the certain part of the city and they were given a time limit on when to do their shopping (and might i inform you that they are not allowed to enter certain shops...) the shops that they did their shopping has a limited supply of food and clothing... well back to Anne Frank... she and her family went into hiding from the nazi party so that they did not have to go to detention camp... this is no ordinary camp... most jews thought that if they comply to the nazis and went into the camp they would be safe from death... but the truth reveals the worse... the "camp" was the opposite of what the jews were thinking of... it meant DEATH...Anne Frank and her family hid for quite sometime but... the nazis was able to find them... they brought them to the camp and i think about two weeks before helped arrive Anne Franks died of typhus... she was only 15... but when you read her diary it shows how mature she came to handle this event in her life... of course as a growing child there are meant to be frictions here and there... but some of her phrases that were used in her diary is really good...
well i'm sharing one of the phrases as feel it relates to me now... i quote
"If i talk, everyone thinks I am showing off; when I'm silent they think I'm ridiculous; rude if I answer, sly if I get a good idea, lazy if I'm tired, selfish if I eat a mouthful more than I should, stupid, crafty, etc., etc. The whole day long I hear nothing else but that I'm an insufferable baby, and although I laugh about it and pretend not to take any notice, I do mind. I would like to ask God to give me a different nature, so that i didn't put everyone's back up. But that can't be done"
well to all my friends that are reading this i would like to tell them don't worry about me ok?? i may feel a little depressed now... but i'm still sane... my moto now is that i've survived for 19 years and i feel that i can still survived for another 19... and when i reach 38... i'll just substitute 19 with 38... hehe...well to all my friends that are reading this i would like to tell them don't worry about me ok?? i may feel a little depressed now... but i'm still sane... my moto now is that i've survived for 19 years and i feel that i can still survived for another 19... and when i reach 38... i'll just substitute 19 with 38... hehe... DON'T WORRY!!! November 08 A great poem... Don't miss it...ok.. hm.. i think for this blog i specially dedicate this space for a poem i found over the net... it is so touching i couldn't help but copy and paste it in my blog... (ps: to the writer of the poem... i'm really sorry... but this poem means so much and it is soooo greatly written that i would like to share to my friends and the readers... thanks a lot...)
here is the poem:
Is Heaven in the Yellow Pages?
Mommy went to heaven, but I need her here today,
My tummy hurts and I fell down, I need her right away.
Operator can you tell me how to find her name in this book?
Is heaven in the yellow part? I don't know where to look.
I think my daddy needs her too, at night I hear him cry,
I hear him call her name sometimes, but I really don't know why.
Maybe if I call her, she will hurry home to me.
Is heaven very far away? Is it across the sea?
She's gone for a long, long time; She needs to come home now!
I really need to reach her but I simply don't know how.
Help me find the number please; Is it listed uner "Heaven"?
I can't read there big, big words because I am only seven.
I'm sorry operator, I didn't mean to make you cry,
Is your tummy hurting too or is there something in your eyes?
If i call my church maybe they will know,
Mommy said when we need help that is where we should go.
I found the number to my church tacked up on the wall,
Thank you operator, I'll go give them a call.
Great poem huh... well i hope that this poem touched your heart as much as it touched mine... to all the people out there that lost someone or something that is very very dear to your heart...
I dedicate this poem to YOU...
Maybe one day if we all find really really hard we might be able to find the number to heaven in the yellow pages... November 06 hm.. any topic??hm.. as the title suggest.. i don't have a single topic to write about... ok.. so i'll just improvise as the words flow out of my small and inactive brain... hm... hm...
ok... let's start with the question : WILL YOU LET YOUR ADULT SIDE OF YOU CONTROL YOUR MIND AS YOU GET OLDER???
i'm trying my best in my power to NOT lose my childish side of me for perishing into the fire of boredom... well i seem to be doing quite well till the status that i'm more of a childish person most of the time rather than being serious... this has cost me quite an important factor in my life... my parent don't really trust me in making my own decisions when i'm out with my friends (they say that i tend to do silly things under peer pressure)... and this really really SUCKS!!! it is really difficult as when i want to go out with my friends i'll have to go through a "fill in the form" process... it is really a YES or a dreadful NO... well... i'm made it through for 19 years i don't think i can change my ways anymore... as i said somewhere up there... i feel that i don't do silly things under peer pressure unless i feel comfortable with them... but it seems that all my reason fall into deaf ears... huh... it is really difficult to live like this... but don't worry "I WILL SURVIVE".... i hope?? hehe... i just don't want to live like a zombie without feelings when i reach adulthood (which of course i have)... i feel that living like that is like not living at all... i like being unpredictable... like i don't mind if i make a wrong turn here and there... it is so difficult communicating with a person that just crack when they make wrong turns... take as it comes... CHILL DUDE... haha... it is fun when this happens once in awhile...
but here comes another problem... i feel that i'm always that 1st one who chickens out when doing silly things (better write in down.. don't want some of my friends or friend; you know who you are, who reads my blog start "shooting" at me)... maybe some of that "seriousness" virus has infected me... but... no one believes in me... frustrating huh?? well i feel that i could act crazy if only.. AND IT IS IF ONLY i stop thinking sooooooo much about everybody around me... stop worrying about how the people close to me will see me as... i should think more about me... what i, as an individual (maybe in my dreams i can do that) want to do and so on... i'm just another person in this world that is constricted to the laws of their own society...
oh... another thing i just notice i like to start my blog with a question... maybe it is another style that is with me... maybe because in my mind there are lots and lots of unsolved questions... maybe that is it... November 05 hm... question??ok... i've got a question...
DOES ANYBODY BELIEVE IN EQUALITY BETWEEN MALES AND FEMALES???
hm.. through out "most" of my life i did believe in it... but similar to my faith it depleted to a proud 0%...
 i'm not sure if it is the truth or the pessimistic part of my silly little brain talking... maybe this part of my brain is generated by all the facts about how the ancient (ps. i don't believe that it is only the ancient chinese that does it... i think even in this generation this facts do go on) chinese and a few of the other civilisations (no offense to the readers) that emphasizes the importance of an heir to their family and might i add it is mostly the male society... well i've gone through some of the parts in my life that i feel that it really shows that this generation in still stuck in the ancient times... have any girls feel that when they ask their parent something and they said "NO" accept it...
but what happens when their brother ask them for the SAME thing they say "YES"
hm.. what happened in this situation?? can anybody explain?? well all i can say is...
"EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON" ------> suck it up and accept it (
 ) what an angellic sight... huh...hahahahahahahahaha.... GOT YA!!! don't EVER believe that i will ever say that... i will never say that... as rebellious as i am but i still can't do anything.. don't wanna provoke the parents right??
listen up: ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE IN THE "FAMILY" BOOK NEVER PROVOKE THE PARENTS IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!! November 03 isn't it true...was watching the 2005 grammy awards today on 8tv... one of the winner kanye west said a very interesting phrase that catches my attention...
he said "Nothing in the world is promised other than death itself, so we've gotta play the game of life to its fullest"
isn't it true?
but... but... now this is my thinking... how could we life the life the fullest when there are soooooooooooo many restrictions and taboos in our life??
it is like a game that has too many rules that spoils this game...
people who read this might say what a b#!ch who is she to say all this s^%t.... i actually don't care... it is this game that caused my faith for anything come a halt... my faith now is as thin as a piece of paper... (maybe thinner than that??)... i'm justing waiting for the day that somebody or someone could lift my faith up but i wouldn't count on it... well... waiting for that day... November 02 here goes...here goes... the very frst blog ever...
as the title in my blog says... WILL I EVER BE FREE???
the only question that keeps floating in my mind bumping every single brain cell that gets in its way... and i really really hate this question... mayb... just mayb it is because sub-subconsiously i know the answer...
Everybody in the whole world are actually "free" but are they truly free??
or are they just like most of us... free as far as the society will allow us to be??
Don't you think it is true?? we are "free" because the society allows us to be free... except a few rebels here and there...
Most of us live "freely" when we follow the majority... if you are born in a whole group of people that are fans of tattoos and you are "free" to get one...
What about us who live in a group that thinks tattoo is a taboo??
Well the answer is that you are not "free" to do it as you will have fear of being alienated in the society... just take that as an example... ARE YOU AFRAID TO ACHIEVE YOUR FREEDOM??? |
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